I Never Wanna Leave This Bed
by effiesgreenwig
Summary: This fanfiction is from Katniss' POV after the Rebellion. She's trying to put herself back together after her loses and finds comfort in fellow victor Peeta Mellark. This is just my spin on the end of Mockingjay, in more detail.
1. Nightmares

Author's note: The first couple of chapters are fairly short because I was just testing out my writing on tumblr. Reviews/comments are very much appreciated and I hope you enjoy. :)

I wake with a start, immediately noting the scent of roses hanging heavily in the air. As the room comes into focus I realize that this is Snow's mansion. What am I doing here? Jumping out of bed, I look down and notice I'm wearing a hospital gown. Well that's strange… I cautiously open the door and walk out into the hallway.

The walls consist of boarded mahogany panels and look like they go on forever. When the door closes behind me I have the strange feeling that I'm trapped.

I frantically walk down the hall looking for an exit. Exasperated and frustrated, my body turns around without permission from my mind. Was there a door there before? My legs break into a sprint as I'm nearing the door at the end of the hall.

Suddenly I'm in the 74th Hunger Games. I'm no longer wearing my hospital gown but I'm donning my tribute uniform. I'm standing on the cornucopia facing Cato and in his grasp is Peeta's neck. I aim my arrow at Cato while Peeta is motioning to his hand, obviously pointing out my target. I feel like my brain disconnects from my body and I shoot Cato in the leg, causing Peeta and Cato to fall off the side of the Cornucopia. Why did I do tha-!

The first thing that I feel is sweat all over my body and tears down my face. Muffled screams are in the distance but coming progressively closer. Oh, of course it was just me screaming.

There are only two thoughts running through my head.

Prim is dead. My sister, Primrose Everdeen is never coming back.

My second thought, I wish I could have the luxury of Peeta's arms around me. But that is impossible. How could Peeta love this mangled form of a girl? He could never love me again after all we have been through. I don't deserve his comfort.

Peeta Mellark is too good for me, hi-jacked or not.


	2. HiJacked

The rest of the day I'm stuck in a blurry haze. The only time I rouse is when I hear footsteps entering the house and the door closing behind them. My eyes shoot open but I don't move. There's no doubt in my mind who it is, who else would it be?

Ever since moving back in to the Victor's Village we haven't spoken much. Well, we haven't spoken at all… He's tried to help me and called a few times but I never answered. He couldn't help me, I had to go through this on my own. Still, I felt a little guilty for never responding to him. Today was different, I felt rebellious. In all honesty, I was lonely.

So when he sets the bread on the counter and takes a step towards the exit I stutter, "P-Peeta?" My voice sounds ragged and harsh.

He hesitates, rocking back on his heels, "Katniss?"

I move from my fetal position on the couch to a sitting position so that I can see him better. He looks surprised- Is that a smile on his face? What could possibly be making him so happy?

Peeta laughs, "Well look at you!"

I scowl, "What?"

He just smiles in response to my scowl, "Nothing. How are you feeling?"

My eyes drop to the floor at his feet, "Fine, just a little thirsty." I admit.

Peeta walks over to the kitchen sink, pulling a glass from the overhead cupboard. As he fills up the glass of water I pull a blanket around my shoulders.

He comes back in the room holding a thick slice of bread and my water, "I just assumed you were hungry too. If you want more, let me know." Setting the items on the table, he looks at me with that smile that can't help but be contagious.

I attempt conversation, "So, what are your plans for today?"

He takes a seat beside me on the couch, "Well, workers are coming in to install a baking oven in my house. Other than that, I'm free as a bird."

"Why are you getting a baking oven?" I wonder.

It happens all in a second. Peeta's face suddenly morphs into agony, he grips the arm of the couch with his eyes shut. He lets out a shrill whine and I have no idea what do. Do I touch him, do I leave him be until his episode passes?

I conquer that it's probably better to leave him alone because that's probably what he would want from me.

Curled up in a ball, I wait for regular Peeta to come back to me.


	3. Miss Everdeen

I can't stand sitting here while Peeta is in pain. The phone is only a few feet away; I could maybe call Dr. Aurelius? Yes, he would know what to do.

I stand quickly, giving myself a head rush. The world spins for a few moments and then my body moves toward the phone on the wall. If I remember correctly, Dr. Aurelius said his office number was set to speed dial five.

To my surprise the call is directed straight to him.

"Hello, Ms. Everdeen, it's nice to hear from you. How are things in District 12?"

"You have to help me. Peeta is having an attack, I-I'm not a healer. I don't know this stuff! Please, how do I help him?"

"Katniss you have to keep calm. The only thing you can do for him is be there when it's over."

I tap my foot nervously and glace at Peeta. Both of his hands are grasping his head and he's swaying slightly.

"Now, what is his current condition? Does he look like he's in shock or terror?"

"Uh um, somewhere in between."

I hear Dr. Aurelius sigh in relief, "He'll wake up soon, when he wakes ask him if he wants to talk about it. Discussing it helps confront the problem for future reference. He might be exhausted from the hard work his brain is doing, so let him rest."

"Okay, thank you." We had played "real or not real" during the rebellion, it won't be much different.

"Goodbye, Ms. Everdeen"

I pause at the phone but Peeta looks like he's coming back to reality so I walk back to the couch.

He pulls his hands away from his face and I catch one in both of mine.

I crane my head down to look up at him, "Peeta, are you alright?"

His dilated eyes meet mine and contract, "Katniss. You're here, you're safe. I thought I had lost you… I thought that-"

I gently shush him, "Shh I'm right here. We're fine. Do you mind telling me what happened or do you want to rest for a little while?"

Peeta closes his eyes, "I do have a mild headache, do you think I could sleep here for a short time?"

"Of course," I accept.

I flip on the TV and mute it. Peeta leans back but he looks uncomfortable. I scoot over to the end of the couch and gesture to him. He lays his head on my lap and spreads across the length of the sofa. I run my hand through his hair, trying to calm him down.

We haven't been nearly this close in months, but it feels natural, like we've stayed this way for years.

The notion is also a little depressing because I know Peeta will never love me again. He couldn't.

Why do I waste my time dwelling on this? I'm not sure I even have the capacity to let someone into my life again.

It's just that if I were able, he seems like the right person to open up with.

I'm brought back from my thoughts when I hear Peeta's heavy breathing, indicating he's sound asleep.

He whispers something but it's hardly audible. The three words nearly break my heart.

"Stay with me." He says.

Only because he's asleep I whisper back, "Always."


	4. The Square

I wake the next day and the sun is rising outside my window.  
The valley looks beautiful at this time. I remember the tranquil sounds of the forest and the crunch of leaves under my feet. The tall dry grass in the meadow during summer.  
Then it dawns on me, I didn't have any nightmares last night.  
I've been having nightmares every night since I moved back to the Victor's Village. I never made it to my bed, afraid of the lone space, but last night was different.  
My mind had registered that old comfort I felt when Peeta was around me. He could light up a room with just his presence.  
I hear a sigh coming from my left and I turn my head to find him looking at me.  
"Good morning." he says.  
"Hey, I thought you had gone home. Didn't you have construction coming over?"  
"I woke up in the middle of the night and called them. They're coming back next week. Are you hungry?"  
He knows I'm hungry, he's just being polite. "Yeah, I could eat."  
I see that he's been busy while I was asleep. There's a metal jug and a basket of rolls on the coffee table. Next to that are two mugs and a plate of fruit.  
"What's the special occasion?" I ask him.  
"It's been a while since we've been uh-let's say normal together, I thought we could have some of our favorite. The other day I remembered how we used to drink hot chocolate and dip our rolls in them."  
He doesn't mention that we did those things in the capitol and I know why. It's painful to recall things about the capitol because it brings back all of the torture he endured. Because I don't want him to have another episode I drop the subject.  
We sit there and eat for a couple of hours, then I remember what the doctor told me to do.  
"Do you think you want to talk about your nightmare yet?" i ask.  
He hesitates,"Yes, but could we walk into town and talk? I wanted to visit Sae and check out the progress on the bakery."  
"Okay."  
I look down at myself. It's been nearly a week since I've cleaned up. Peeta gets up and washes the dishes while I drag myself upstairs. When I look in the mirror all I can think is how Cinna would be dissapointed. Cinna was one of my close friends; he always had my best interest in mind. No one's heard about him since the rebellion.

When I go over to my dresser I see my pearl sitting there. The pearl that Peeta gave me during the second Quarter Quell.  
The pearl that symbolizes the boy I knew, so I cant let it go. I guess Greasy Sae set it here when she comes to help. As I leave the room I put it in the breast pocket of my father's jacket for safe keeping.  
When we step out the front door I hear a strange quacking noise, to find Haymitch has geese. Well at least he's not alone.  
I look at Peeta expectantly,"So?"  
He has a pained look on his face,"The doctor says when I hear certain words or see things they can trigger a venom induced memory. When you asked about the bakery oven it had caused a nightmare. You disappeared and I was stuck in front of the bakery watching my family burn."  
We're nearing the square now, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know it could happen that easily, I shouldn't have brought it up."  
He's stopped walking and is looking straight into my eyes, "Hey, don't blame yourself. It's all my fault. The only thing is I'm just scared I'll lose control and hurt you again."  
Classic Peeta, always thinking about everyone but himself, "You have to forgive yourself for that. It was a long time ago and I know you didn't mean to."  
"I know, I just can't lose you again. You're the only person I have left." he says.  
This isn't true, everyone loves Peeta. He has Delly, Portia and Haymitch at the least. He doesn't know that I'm the one who needs him. When I'm alone time stands still but when I'm with him it's like time actually matters. I don't know how to respond so I just start walking into the town square.  
It looks completely transformed. Everything is under construction except for the hob, the black market is back up and running. There is a fountain being built in the center of the square, not too far from the front steps of the new Justice Building.  
From here I can see the rubble of the mayor's house being taken away and the foundation of the new bakery.  
"Didn't you say you wanted to see Greasy Sae?" I ask.  
"Yeah, I have to ask her a question."  
"Well let's go then."  
We stroll into the hob and Peeta walks over to her stall while I look around. What could he possibly have to ask her? It's probably none of my business anyway. I decide to go to Ripper since Haymitch would enjoy some more liquor.  
By the time he's done talking to her it's already afternoon. I start to get impatient so I intrude just as he's thanking her. "Thank you Sae, I'll be back soon."  
"You're welcome kid, have a nice day." She's strangely smiling at me, like she has a hanger in her mouth. I nod goodbye.  
Once we reach the site of the bakery I can't take anymore so I ask,"What was that about?"  
His eyes avoid mine, "Nothing, don't worry about it." Then he smiles as though I just made a funny face. Torture, he's torturing me.  
"Fine, don't tell me." I say in a childish voice.  
He chuckles and steps toward his old home. It must be killing him on the inside to see this. The building he grew up in, a permanent part of the earth.  
"You'd think they would have done more in the amount of time we've been home. Let's go Katniss, there's nothing here."  
We walk back to Victor's Village in silence as the sun is setting. I'm dreading this moment, the moment when I'll have to be alone again.  
"So, I guess this is goodnight." I say, unsure of what to do.  
"Yea, will I see you tomorrow?"  
"I live next door. I have to go give this to Haymitch." I lift the bottle of white liquor.  
"Alright, tell him I said hi."  
I meekly wave and turn around towards Haymitchs' house. Before I go in I plug my nose, preparing for the worst.  
The smell hits me like a ton of bricks and my thoughts go hazy from the fumes. I run in and set the bottle on the counter and quickly walk out. I'll visit him when he's not passed out on the couch.  
When I crawl into my bed I'm not tired at all and my mind is racing. What does all of this mean, what will tomorrow be like? Is it possible to be "semi-normal" after everything we've gone through? Somewhere in my heart I know the answer, but tonight I won't admit or face it. I'm relieved when I feel unconsciousness enveloping me.  
Then I hear the doorbell ring.


	5. Surprises

Thanks for the reviews! Here's chapter 5 and chapter 6 will be posted sometime this week.

When the door swings open a sob breaks through my chest.

This remnant of the man I used to know is standing in front of me. It's as if I've seen a ghost. He looks as though he's been through the ringer. His head is shaved and looks like he weighs almost 130 pounds. His suit, however is clean and well-tailored.

But the thing that will always be the same about him is the warm, golden eyeliner applied with a light hand.

I throw my arms around him, "Cinna." I mumble into his shoulder.

"Hey there, girl on fire." He says.

I don't respond and we just stand in the doorway like this for a few minutes until he breaks away.

"May I come in?"

My friend that I had thought to be dead is here and I cannot be anymore rude, "Oh yes, of course come inside." I wipe away my tears with the inside of my sleeve.

"Take a seat, make yourself comfortable." I suggest.

He walks into the living room slowly and sits on the couch, "I remember coming here before everything happened, how things have changed." He says.

"Yes, well I'm so happy that you're here, Cinna. I never thought I would see you again, I-I had heard rumors."

I look at him, his bedraggled appearance is easy to forget when he smiles at me with his kind eyes.

The corners of his mouth curl down, "It was terrifying, everything the Capitol did to me. You can't imagine the place they kept me, but I don't want to dwell on the past. How are things here, Katniss? I was worried about you, being alone and all."

I hesitate. Should I tell him about the day I had with Peeta, will he jump to conclusions? Cinna is my friend, I can tell him anything.

"Well, uh Sae comes every week to check on me, but I don't respond. Actually Peeta has come and dropped off bread a few times, but yesterday something -I don't know- changed."

He starts to grim at my admission, "What do you mean?"

We sit on the couch for an hour and I tell him all about my day with Peeta. He only interrupts to ask, "How do you feel about this boy?"

"I honestly don't know." Everything is so complicated between us, and I'm still not sure I'm capable of love.

"I do." Cinna says.

I drop the subject, searching for a less painful one, "So what are you doing in District 12? Are you staying for long?"

"Would you mind having a couple extra neighbors?" He smiles.

I can't help but smile back," You said a couple. Who else is going to live with you?"

"Portia, of course. She's over at Peeta's now, visiting him. We just got in on the train tonight and we wanted to surprise you two." He explains.

"You and Portia? I really am unobservant. I'm happy for you, Cinna. What do you plan on doing here, though?

"Portia and I are opening a shop in the square. We'd gotten many offers to design for the capitol but I wanted to go home." He says.

"I'm sorry, home?" I ask.

"Katniss, you didn't know I came from District 12? Why do you think I chose this district to design for?"

"I don't know, I just thought you liked a challenge-an underdog. I thought you felt bad for our district." I feel terrible admitting this, I don't mean to question Cinna's character. I know how good of a person he is and I respect him. I breathe in and exhale a yawn.

"Well now that we live here we'll have plenty of time to talk. You seem tired, Katniss why don't you get some sleep."

I rub my eyes, "Yea, it's been a long day. I'll walk you out."

We get up and walk to the door silently. When we reach the door he gives me a friendly hug and I receive it. It's nice to have some human interaction for a little while, even when I feel like a robot.

"I'll see you later, Katniss. Get some rest and we can speak more about life another time."

Okay, goodnight." I say.

The door clicks behind him and I'm alone again.

When I wake I don't scream, thrash or sob. I'm on the floor, with a single tear on my face. I must have fallen off the bed in my sleep, which explains my nightmare.

My dream was one I'd never had before. I was sleeping in a tree and had fallen over 50 feet to the ground, breaking my arm. The strange thing was that I had not woken up from my slumber. When I had finally woken in my dream, it was Peeta dressing my wounds. He suddenly morphed into a mutt, tearing at me but I was immobilized and muted. The mutt's teeth neared my face and I my eyes opened.

I can't think of any rational explanation for it so I just curl in a ball. Maybe someone will come find me in my bedroom, maybe I don't care.

When I hear my name being called from downstairs I slowly sit up. The sound of boots on my stairs gets closer and I stare at the blank wall.

Peeta comes in and sees me on the floor, his expression unreadable. My emotions overcome me and I burst into tears, my chest racking with broken sobs.

He doesn't say anything, just walks over and wraps his arms around me.

We don't speak, we don't move. We just sit there in each other's arms.

The possibility of a normal life is too far away from my reach.

Even if that's what I want, I know I will never be enough. I do know one thing.

Peeta deserves a happy life. I may not, but he does.

I wonder if he'll find it.


	6. Darkness

Thanks for the reviews and chapter 7 will be up in a couple of days!

After a fair amount of time I pull away from his grasp, wiping my eyes.

"Sorry, I know we're not there yet." He says.

"Yet?" Where is he expecting us to go?

"I mean, it's too soon in our-uh-friendship."

I don't know how to respond so I say, "No it's alright." We sit for a few moments awkwardly looking away.

He breaks the silence, "Katniss why don't you do something today?," he suggests gently, "Go hunting or take a bath, get your mind off of things." I'm not sure if I should be insulted or flattered that he cares.

I know he's right, I should occupy my mind today. It's been so long since the woods were my savior, though. My bow and arrows might not even be in the same place I left them some months ago. Well, I might as well find out.

"Yea, what time is it?" I say.

He checks his leather watch, "Almost 7 a.m." It reminds me of the pocket watch Plutarch showed me. How long has it been since the Victory Tour?

I blink out of my stare and breathe deeply," Hmm, what will you do today?"

Peeta looks strained, "Wade through the Abernathy residence, make some calls, bake some bread. You know the usual."

I almost laugh. Almost. "Alright, good luck with that. I'm going to get out of these dirty clothes." I say.

I've only worn them yesterday but I slept in them and my body shivered with sweat.

He rises, "I'll give you some privacy." I watch as he walks out and the door clicks behind him.

Stalling. I'm sitting here, stalling. _Katniss, get up. What are you doing, get out of here! _A memory surfaces and I see Peeta shimmering, telling me to leave the tracker jackers' location. Shaking my head, I stand up and walk over to the dresser. My jacket sits at the foot of the bed and I reach into the breast pocket. The pearl is still there, where I left it. I decide against bringing it with me and place it on the dresser tray.

Ten minutes later I walk down the stairs wearing thin pants, a short sleeve shirt, and my father's hunting jacket. The cold winds of winter are long gone.

Peeta is nowhere to be found but there is freshly baked bread on the counter. He must have put it in the oven before he came up. I check the coat closet for my hunting boots, lace them up and grab my pack. Before I walk out the door I grab a large piece of bread and nibble on it. When I walk down the porch steps I can see Peeta in the distance, feeding Haymitchs' geese. A small smile breaks onto my face and before I can explain it I turn towards the Seam. It takes me a few minutes to recall the weak spot in the fence but I do and crawl under.

My ear catches a low buzzing noise, so I examine the area. I find a little camera hidden in the post, watching my every move. This must be how Snow found out about my kiss with Gale.

Gale. It's been a while since I allowed myself to think of him. I still haven't forgiven him, the way he left without a further word. The fire in his heart that contributed to the construction of the bomb that killed Prim.

My heart doesn't blame him for her demise but my head doesn't forget. Any romantic feelings toward him have past and won't return. Maybe it was best he left, ripping the bandage off in one fell swoop. I miss the days when he was just Gale, my hunting buddy. Not revolutionary hero Gale, the kind kindled with rage.

Alright Katniss, hunting. That's what you came to do.

The meadow grass is long and green, the result of a relatively wet spring. Scents of amber and honeysuckle bring promises of summer.

I take a deep breath and jog across towards the tree that conceals my bow and arrows. At first I think they are gone when I reach in but they're just further down the trunk hole.

Actually having my hunting weapon in hand makes me nervous. What if the capitol is still monitoring my behavior? I know Coin and Snow are dead but I have this constant feeling I'm being watched. Plus I haven't shot in a long time.

Before I traipse through the woods I take a few practice shots at a tree, then grab my arrows and start out. My feet find the path like it's ingrained into my brain. I flinch at every little sound the woods make, which is something I don't usually do.

About a mile in I have gotten a squirrel, two groosling and some roots to take back. My memory had returned my skill and it felt good and it felt good, it felt free. The pack is full and I have the groosling slung on my belt as I make my journey back. I know I am about 100 feet from the meadow when I feel a stinging sensation on my neck. When I pull out the stinger I recall immediately what it is. Tracker Jackers. My mind goes hazy and I break into a sprint, in hopes that I will reach the meadow in time.

The groosling on my belt turn to ash and disintegrate on my feet. I see a snake above me plump and blow up all over my head. My blood curdling scream awakens a flock of ravenous crows nearby. Keep running, running. As the meadow is in sight a tree branch sticks out and trips me. I crawl until I'm feel grass when the world goes dark.


	7. Hope

Once I was told that through the darkness I will find a brighter day. That even though you're lost you will always find something better at the end. I never believed or understand those words from my father.

I feel like I'm swaying in the ocean, rocking back and forth.

Something touches my hair, lips maybe. Panting. Why do I hear panting?

_The heavy dar_kness fades and my eyes open. I note the scent of flour and cheese before looking up. This chin I would know from anywhere.

"Peeta?" My voice comes out in a whisper.

He shushes me,"Shh, we're almost home." Why is he breathing so hard?

I speak clearer this time," H-how did you find me?"

"After you didn't come home for 5 hours, I started worrying. Assuming you didn't go into town, I ran along the fence by the Seam. You were passed out face down in the grass." He explains.

"Oh, well thanks for finding me," a moment of awkward silence passes "I think I can walk now."

"No, we're almost there, you just rest." He argues.

I don't detest, only because my neck still throbs and I'm slightly dizzy.

He walks up the step, kicks the door open and sets me on the couch. It wasn't until now I saw he was carrying my hunting supplies; while he sets down my bow, sheath, and pack. The groosling is still slung to my belt, never having disintegrated. I detract them before settling on the couch and place them on the table.

A familiar smell fills my nostrils, a scent that brings back so many memories of joyous times.

Peeta grabs a tray in the kitchen and sets it on the table.

"Cheesebuns!" I yell a little too loudly.

"I'm glad you're hungry." He laughs.

Peeta turns on his heel and I take a long, savory bite of a bun. I've missed these.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"Making a call." He puts his finger to his lips and hits a speed dial number. I mouth to him, _Who are you calling?_As I do this the receiver picks up.

"Yes, hello Ms. Everdeen. It's Peeta, how are you?" He wonders politely.

Why on earth is he calling my mother and how does he know her number? My mom says something on the other end.

"I am well; I was actually calling you about Katniss." He sounds like one of my angry schoolteachers, calling my parents to report my bad behavior. I can hear her panicked voice on the phone.

Peeta calms her," She's safe now, but she got stung by a tracker jacker. I found her at the edge of the woods this afternoon. Are there any precautions I should take, anything I can do?" Lower talking from the phone. I turn around and eat more of my cheese bun.

"Yes, she's awake and eating." I can feel his eyes boring into my back. It comes out of my mouth in a mumble, "Yea, wouldn't want to lose another daughter. You know, after you left her."

A minute passes before he speaks again, "Okay, thank you. We will get on that." The phone is placed back on the mount. He sits next to me and tries to pull the hair off my neck to examine the sting.

"How was your visit with Cinna?" I jerk my head back to look at him.

"Don't change the subject. Why were you calling my mother and what did she say?"

He looks stunned as his hands fall in his lap, "She's the first doctor I could think of. She knows you. I didn't think you would have a problem with it, I'm sorry."

His eyes are pleading as he says this gently. I realize how irrational my anger was; he's only trying to help. This boy has constantly tried reviving the lost soul left behind in this body and I have been nothing but a brat. I shift my body again, allowing him to check the sting.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. His fingers pause on my neck before starting again.

"For what?" He sounds tired, I wonder if he's had an episode today.

"Everything. I know you're trying."

"Don't apologize." His hands are gone and I turn to look at his sluggish smile. "So, I have an idea. Something we could do together." I take another bite of my bun nervously. "Your mom suggested we work on the plant book-I'm not so sure what that is." He admits.

"I do."

I try the woods again the week after that, successfully returning home. Peeta and I work on the plant book together every afternoon when I come home from hunting. It becomes a routine among us, without even realizing it. He sketches, I write in the information. My mind falters many times with my heart, wanting him to crawl into bed with me to ward off the nightmares. I know I can't ask him of this. He returns home every night, leaving an indescribable empty feeling in my chest.

The only thing I cling onto is hope. These couple months together have taught me that things might be able to get better with time.

All in all, hope is stronger than fear.

Reviews are appreciated, thank you! I have been planning the kiss for some time now so be sure to stay tuned for that chapter. I promise it will be worth the wait


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